Death Bear is a superhero of the mourning process.  He comes silently, like cancer, to take away the stubborn little things that memories cling to.  Also, he’s a bear.  (Although, I heard a rumor that he is really Darth Vader, trying to atone for his past misdeeds, starting over in an awkward but sincere fashion.  Who can be sure?  I don’t know, but I’d love to ask him.)

Death Bear is just one of New York City’s many bears worth visiting.  I’ll be there this April 15-19, doing “promotion”, seeing friends, researching a biographical project and riding my bicycle like the bicycle-obsessed freak I am.  My plan is to remain cheerful.  We’ll see what happens.

However, Brooklynites don’t have to wait until April, because Death Bear is making house calls this weekend!  Text him at 347-742-2293 for an appointment.  Act now, before you cheer up!

Unsure?  Take this surprisingly educational quiz and find out!  I was told “one hour, twenty minutes” — but then again, I am a professional.  Can you do better?  Maybe you can even make it to a hospital!

(Courtesy of The Oatmeal.)

Everybody knows the holidays are the best time for arts & crafts.  Why?  Because it’s shitty outside! Here in Portland it’s fucking freezing, and I know we’re not alone.

But whether you’re snowed in in Minneapolis, rained out in Seattle or swallowed by a Burmese python in Tampa, I have a way for you to fight that shut-in feeling — and win some autographed free books in the process.

You see, there’s this guy named Patrick Wensink.  I can totally vouch for him: he is a fine upstanding gentleman with a huge moustache and a charming short story collection: Sex Dungeon For Sale, just released by Eraserhead Press.

Because Patrick believes in the magic of Christmas and self-promotion, he has created a little contest over at his blog in time for the holidays — a coloring contest! With prizes!  Everybody loves prizes, and these ones are sweet:

If your browser has the X-Ray Spex plug-in installed, you can see that all four of these books are autographed by their authors.  (Otherwise, go to the contest page and check out the photos.)  The copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! you see above contains a special one-of-a-kind illustration by me, Famous Doodler Mykle Hansen.  The other three books also contain other awesome goodies.  And all four books contain delicious, crispy words.  In fact, Patrick calls these his favorite four books of the year.  They are:

Fool- By Christopher Moore

Tales Designed to Thrizzle – by Michael Kupperman

AM/PM – By Amelia Gray

Help! A Bear is Eating Me! – By Mykle Hansen (hi!)

All you have to do to win these fabulous autographed books is to color in some pretty pictures, which illustrate some of Patrick’s stories, such as the one above.  A child could do it, and so can you.  Head over there now and give it a whirl.  Tell him Mykle sent you … or just tell him to hand over the goddamn books because your mad coloring skillz are fresh like a falafel.

… from the “I’m so glad there’s a website for that” department:

“In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I’ve got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I’m a private detective. I’m also a teddy bear.

It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn’t know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I’ve gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won’t take off the fox suit she turns tricks in.

Now I’ve got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you’re soft.”

Jimmy Plush, Bear Detective by Garrett Cook is an homage in satire to 1950’s hard-boiled pulp, starring and narrated by the aforementioned tough-guy teddy bear.  Armed, bitter and adorable Jimmy Plush shoots, kicks and wisecracks his way across a brutal toyscape of junkies, furries, dames, thugs, unicorns and kung-fu kewpie dolls, in his quest for revenge upon the bear that stole his body.

Eraserhead Press is releasing an anthology of Garrett’s Jimmy Plush stories this October at the second annual BizarroCon — we will toast it with a special batch of Jimmy Plush Bear Beer, brewed by EHP publisher Rose O’Keefe! — but a special limited-edition of the book is available NOW at Garrett Cook’s website.  Autographed by the author, this special edition includes a bonus Jimmy Plush story and a raffle ticket to win your own cuddly but deadly Jimmy Plush doll.  Check it out!

… hey, that’s me!  Yes, it’s true, my fame is now almost as large as my head.  Which, as this photo reveals, is almost as big as my ass.

What’s my secret?  The Famous Author Mykle Hansen website!  It’s fresh.  It’s far-reaching and comprehensive.  It contains organic sprouted grains and naked pictures of my cat, and is low in cryptosporidium.  Through it you can learn about my other books, my other non-books, and other non-me things about books and non-books that aren’t mine.

All snarkiness aside: writers have to do these things.  I’m sure you understand.  And I’m very proud of the new mykle.com.  But I want you, my loyal helpabeariseatingme.comrades, to understand that even though I have been seen dating that other website over there, I promise I will not neglect you in any way … at least not any more than I was neglecting you before.  This is still my first and best and favoritest website.   When it’s down, I’m down.  And HELP! is still my best-selling and easiest-to-explain book, thanks in no small part to you readers, fans and friends who I deeply appreciate.  Thank you ten more times!

“I am a bear. Life is boring. Let me go eat some men …”

If you are the sort of person who likes websites full of funny, sad, adorable stories about bears and people — and we both know you are — then you ought to take a browse around Bear Parade, a lovely site dreamed up by Gene Morgan, Tao Lin and I think maybe some other people — it’s hard to be sure — hosting a large set of nicely-designed online chapbooks known as “the Bear Parade series.”  Are they books?  Are they e-books?  I-books?  Interbooks?  I’m just not sure, but I like them anyway.

The link above will take you to a small fragment of  Mazie Lousie Montgomery’s Compassionate Moose, the tenth book in the series and my personal favorite, largely due to its high bear content.

Raaar.

Bear-Proof Can Is Pop-Top Picnic for a Crafty Thief

A smart bear regularly defeats a complex device, meant to protect campers’ food, that even some people can’t open.  Surprised?  Hardly.  Every night bears creep into my house and use my laptop to purchase canned salmon online, and I still can’t even catch them in the act.  They are clever and sneaky.

Even in urban areas, it’s always a good idea to suspend your food from a rope in a tall tree at night.  This won’t actually thwart bears, but it will keep them occupied and off the streets.

Although I have written what is unquestionably the definitive bear-attack satire of our times, I can understand why you might be reluctant to take my word for it.  Your novel-buying dollar has probably shrunk recently, along with all your other dollars.  You must be assured of lasting quality.  Twelve dollars is a lot of money — you could eat lunch with that!

So please, read these informative reviews before spending your hard-earned money on my hard-written book.

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