When last we left our heroine, Karen, she was slowly dying of pneumonia and ermine-flu brought on by overwork in the dark, dusty caverns below the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square.  There she was forced by her cruel overlords to alphabetize rocks and debris without rest, and to write brief but appealing shelf-talkers for mummified rats.  Karen depended on you, dear readers, as her only hope of escape from chick-lit white slavery.  With your help, and with her own boundless reserves of tenacity and pep, maybe, just maybe, she could win the coveted Staffordshire Sales Award for February!  Then, at the official award ceremony at Carnegie Hall, she could escape through a secret trapdoor in the orchestra pit and meet the daring team of teenage vegan activists with whom she had been secretly corresponding.  These brave rescuers would spirit Karen away to new life in a land of hope, freedom and opportunity: a far away country known as Belgium!

Well, not much of that happened, except: we won!  Yes!  Karen won the February Staffie Award!  And what an award it is.  Observe the exquisite gilding of the hand-blurred wood:

Today, Karen proudly wears this treasured fourteen-karat wooden trophy on a lanyard around her neck, fondling it at every opportunity and using it to deflect the heavy blows of Patrick from the First Floor.

Please realize, it wasn’t easy selling so many copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  Karen is forbidden to speak with customers; she had to use subtle body language, fits of coughing and deep eyelid-batting to suggest this book to a wide variety of visitors — some lecherous, others deranged.  But she was fearless and would not be stopped!

Thank you, every one of you who helped make this young slave-girl’s life briefly less monotonous and miserable.  When visiting the B&T store in NYC, be sure to congratulate Karen, inquire about the progress of her many diseases, and perhaps smuggle her a crust of stale bread or a discreet blood transfusion.

What’s next for Karen and her cruel tormentors?  Well, it seems the tsunami of media interest around the B&N Staffie Award has reached certain international aid organizations, who have taken an interest in her plight.  They hope that by raising public awareness of the cruel conditions in which paperback booksellers operate, they can generate momentum for much-needed reforms, or at least drive more sales to the Amazon Kindle.  Incidentally, we are still trying to get Angela Jolie involved, so please forward this link to her if you are Brad Pitt.

A happy footnote to this story is that I recently received my first royalty check for HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  All I can say is “Wow!  Time to purchase food!”

So thanks again, America!  And thank you too, Canada!  Much kudos also to Iran, home of an inexplicably large fraction of my sales.  For that matter I’d like to thank Iceland for dedication to literature in general, and Khazakstan for being such good sports about the whole Borat thing.  But above all, thanks again to Karen, Bear Champion!

Look at that face!  This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.

Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases.  But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.

You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC.  Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey.  It’s a hard life.  But Karen doesn’t complain!  This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.

How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage?  I’m glad you asked.  You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award.  It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute!  Yesterday, even.

“Wait!” I hear you say, “what kind of bullshit book are you trying to peddle me?”  Well, good for you.  Caveat Emptor, I always say.  However, HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME is the greatest gift to English literature since Jonathan Livingston Seagull!  But please, don’t take my word for it.  Read the reviews: here!  There!  Everywhere!

“Wait!” I hear you say, “I already bought a copy of that book.”  Well, good for you!  Seriously, I thank the heck out of you.  But please, take another look at that picture.  Look at those eyes.  And now look at your address book, and ask yourself: isn’t there someone in your life who needs to laugh?  Someone who needs the gift of glibly-recounted disembowelment as much as this little girl needs the gift of victory?  Probably you know several such people.

“Wait!” I hear you say, “I don’t live anywhere near New York City!”  Well, good for you!  The odds of your being stabbed just dropped in half.  However, surely you have friends in the Big Apple?  In fact, didn’t I see you lap-dancing for Donald Trump at that party in L.A.?  You remember, the one where all those stars did coke in the bathroom?  I’m certain that was you.  Sorry, was I not supposed to mention that on the internet?  Whoops!  Clumsy me!  I think I have photos around here somewhere …

“OKAY!” I hear you say, “How do I order that book?”  Well, it’s easy.  If you don’t live in New York City, you can just call up the B & N store in Union Square and place an order.  The number is  (212) 253-0810.  It’s free if you call from work.  Tell them you want to order two copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! and that you can’t believe how horribly they treat their indentured child laborers.  Karen thanks you, and so do I.

Attention New Yorkers, Friends of New Yorkers, and New York Sexual Tourists: I need your help!

Here you see our favorite book: HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  We love this book so much, we even wrote it!  This picture is coming to you live from the flagship Barnes and Noble store in Union Square, New York City.

Wave to the book!

Notice how the book is displayed: in the Paperback Favorites section, also the Staff Recommendations section.  See how it rests in the very center spot on the very top row, tilted appealingly toward your wallet.  Notice how well-lit it is.  It seems almost to smile at you, almost to wink.  This book wants you to take it home.

Sure, you say, all the books want me to take them home.  I’m sexy that way.  But no, this is different. This is for a good cause.

This month only, a very special young lady is trying to win a staff sales award.  Her name is Karen, and she works in the fiction department.  She’s only six years old, she has cancer and a wooden leg and she’s cute as the dickens.  She wants to win this award so badly, you see, because both of her mommies are in jail, and the only way she can visit them is by bribing their jailer with bright, shiny objects such as the coveted B&N Staffie Award — a gold-plated Staffordshire Terrier, depicted in mid-leap, carrying a saliva-drenched first edition of Nicholas Nickleby in its jaws!

Attention New York City: some call you grumpy, callous and cold.  But I know you have a heart of gold!  Won’t you please tear that golden heart out of your grumpy little chest right now, and send it to Cash4Gold.com, and take the cash they give you in return down to the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Union Square, and help make a little girl’s dream come true?

Did I mention she has cancer?  Two kinds!  But more than that, she has guts.  Karen is one of the few booksellers who’ve taken a chance by stocking HELP! in their stores, and found — to their shock and amazement — that IT SELLS LIKE MAD. People love this book.  They love the front cover.  They love the back cover.  They love the wordy parts in the middle and they are crazy about the spine.

So if you don’t enjoy reifying the dreams of cancer-children, if you’re that callous and cold and un-goldhearted, if you won’t do it for Karen … then please, do it for me.  Because I owe this lady big time.

HELPFUL LINKS — WE MAKE IT SO EASY!

Cash for Gold!

Bookstore location!

MTA Trip Planner!

How to tie your shoes.

Last night I had the privilege of attending the Portland premiere of CORALINE, and I loved it.  If you don’t already have a reason to go see this film — if, say, you hate beauty and pleasure, don’t care for suspense, couldn’t do much with a childlike sense of wonder — then you should go see it anyway, because I wrote some of the dialogue. Not a whole lot — just a few jokes here and there, just enough to feel proud.  Hundreds of people, including dozens of my friends at Laika, combined their talents for two long years to make this film, and it’s a splendid relief to know the effort was well spent.

What’s particularly remarkable about this film is the use of 3-D.  It’s not an exploitation of the effect, with zombies poking you in the face all the time. It’s much more subtle.  The full-color 3-D effect allows the eye to behold all the fine details and beautiful design with more clarity and shape.  So if you do see it, be sure to see it in 3-D.

Last night’s premiere at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall was quelle swank, featuring a string quartet beforehand, and then introductions by Phil Knight (owner of LAIKA and also some shoe company), Ted Kulongowski (the fuckin’ GOVERNOR of OREGON), Bill Foster (director of our local International Film Fest), Travis Knight (badass animator, and the best speaker by far) and Henry Sellick (director).  After the film we shuffled over to the Portland Art Museum for a gala ball of fine catering and science-fair-style kiosks, where some of the workers on the film were able to explain the process in lifelike reproductions of their own cramped, dishelvled workspaces.  Some of the many beautiful sets and puppets were also on display.  The food was delish, everyone looked fabulous, and we’re all on pins and needles now, holding our breath as we watch our little Coraline step out into the world.

NOTICE: This cartoon has been modified from its original version. It has been reformatted to fit your screen.

Come point at me and laugh!  I’ll be a small but highly amusing part of Kevin Wilson’s small but highly amusing comedy event, FAVORITE SHOW!  That’ll be on Jan 31st, 8pm, at Urban Grind (2214 NE Oregon, in Portland, in Oregon.) .  When you’re not laughing at how funny I am/look/smell, you’ll almost certainly be laughing at Katie Jean Arnold, Joan Hiller Depper, Jessica Halem Rylee Newton or Kevin Wilson himself for similar reasons. 

Do join us!  I will have books for sale, and a spare can of whoop-ass handy for any bears that dare to attack me in my natural urban setting.

Greetings from Ashland, Oregon!  Vacation home of William Shakespeare, fine-dining capital of the greater Medford area, vacation meth destination and an all-around charming rural hamlet. Plus, it’s bear country!

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is about to lose the feeling in its second leg. Our final appearance is tonight at Stillwater, in Ashland, Oregon.  Come see the show that freaked out San Francisco and made Claremont uncomfortable!  Information, entertainment, literature, music, feats of strength, alcoholic beverages and a special guest appearance by Black Rock City’s favorite band, THE BAD MINTONS!  See it before it’s gone!

You know the score.  Here’s the details for your friends:

—

EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at Stillwater –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling.

DATE:
January 9, 2009 — 9pm sharp!

LOCATION:
Stillwater Bar, Restuarant & Venue
1951 Highway 66, Ashland
541.482.6113

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s population are bringing bears and humans together with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the human-bear relationship in this era of global warming, economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration of how to defend yourself against attack by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

Dear friends,

Short notice!  Wednesday night, the 7th of January, I’ll be in San Francisco to present to you words, slides and astounding deeds!

DATE: Wednesday January 7th, 8pm!
LOCATION: The House of Hope and Inspiration, in Visitation Valley — 150 Delta Street, San Francisco.
(Parking available in the school lot at Delta & Wilde.)

Sorry for the short notice; it’s been hard to get this confirmed until the very last minute.  I hope you can make it, and please tell your loved ones and anybody you know who likes bears or me.

See you soon!

-mykle-

Dear Friends:

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is coming TOMORROW to a stylish supper club known as THE PRESS, situated in Claremont, California.  This will be our only LA-area appearance for the near future, and I’m sure my LA friends and my Claremont friends are equally offended that I would even place Claremont in the LA area.  Nevertheless, I’m told it’s less than an hour’s drive from at least some part of LA.  But don’t take my word for it: ask Google Maps.

More details below!  Please come if you can, and please spread the word to your beloved loved ones whom you love.  A festive evening of infotainment is guaranteed!

Seeya,

-mykle-

—-
EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at The Press –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling,
with a rock & roll chaser.

DATE: Monday, January 5th, 9pm
LOCATION: The Press Restaurant ~ 129 Harvard Ave., Claremont

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!
AND: Special guests The Kurt Ross Band

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s
population are bringing bears and humans together
with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our
relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must
we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture
of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read
from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and
entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the
human-bear relationship in this era of global warming,
economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration
of how to defend yourself against attack
by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

After the bear is returned to its cage, musical guests
The Kurt Ross Band will take the stage for a fine
evening of snarky R&B, joined by special guest
Jeff “The Chet” Lyster, formerly of the Honkey Tonk Angels,
fresh from his tour with Lucinda Williams.

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

THE INTERNET KNOWS ALL:
http://helpabeariseatingme.com