It was my pleasure to assist in the fact-checking on Garrett Cook’s article about the mildly bear-themed film SLASHED DREAMS. Have you been wondering if you should rent this? Did you fear you were missing out? Let Garrett Cook — author of JIMMY PLUSH, BEAR DETECTIVE — put your mind at ease.
Unsure? Take this surprisingly educational quiz and find out! I was told “one hour, twenty minutes” — but then again, I am a professional. Can you do better? Maybe you can even make it to a hospital!
(Courtesy of The Oatmeal.)
Everybody knows the holidays are the best time for arts & crafts. Why? Because it’s shitty outside! Here in Portland it’s fucking freezing, and I know we’re not alone.
But whether you’re snowed in in Minneapolis, rained out in Seattle or swallowed by a Burmese python in Tampa, I have a way for you to fight that shut-in feeling — and win some autographed free books in the process.
You see, there’s this guy named Patrick Wensink. I can totally vouch for him: he is a fine upstanding gentleman with a huge moustache and a charming short story collection: Sex Dungeon For Sale, just released by Eraserhead Press.
Because Patrick believes in the magic of Christmas and self-promotion, he has created a little contest over at his blog in time for the holidays — a coloring contest! With prizes! Everybody loves prizes, and these ones are sweet:
If your browser has the X-Ray Spex plug-in installed, you can see that all four of these books are autographed by their authors. (Otherwise, go to the contest page and check out the photos.) The copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! you see above contains a special one-of-a-kind illustration by me, Famous Doodler Mykle Hansen. The other three books also contain other awesome goodies. And all four books contain delicious, crispy words. In fact, Patrick calls these his favorite four books of the year. They are:
Fool- By Christopher Moore
Tales Designed to Thrizzle – by Michael Kupperman
AM/PM – By Amelia Gray
Help! A Bear is Eating Me! – By Mykle Hansen (hi!)
All you have to do to win these fabulous autographed books is to color in some pretty pictures, which illustrate some of Patrick’s stories, such as the one above. A child could do it, and so can you. Head over there now and give it a whirl. Tell him Mykle sent you … or just tell him to hand over the goddamn books because your mad coloring skillz are fresh like a falafel.
“In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I’ve got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I’m a private detective. I’m also a teddy bear.
It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn’t know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I’ve gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won’t take off the fox suit she turns tricks in.
Now I’ve got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you’re soft.”
Jimmy Plush, Bear Detective by Garrett Cook is an homage in satire to 1950’s hard-boiled pulp, starring and narrated by the aforementioned tough-guy teddy bear. Armed, bitter and adorable Jimmy Plush shoots, kicks and wisecracks his way across a brutal toyscape of junkies, furries, dames, thugs, unicorns and kung-fu kewpie dolls, in his quest for revenge upon the bear that stole his body.
Eraserhead Press is releasing an anthology of Garrett’s Jimmy Plush stories this October at the second annual BizarroCon — we will toast it with a special batch of Jimmy Plush Bear Beer, brewed by EHP publisher Rose O’Keefe! — but a special limited-edition of the book is available at Garrett Cook’s website. Autographed by the author, this special edition includes a bonus Jimmy Plush story and a raffle ticket to win your own cuddly but deadly Jimmy Plush doll. Check it out!
… hey, that’s me! Yes, it’s true, my fame is now almost as large as my head. Which, as this photo reveals, is almost as big as my ass.
What’s my secret? The Famous Author Mykle Hansen website! It’s fresh. It’s far-reaching and comprehensive. It contains organic sprouted grains and naked pictures of my cat, and is low in cryptosporidium. Through it you can learn about my other books, my other non-books, and other non-me things about books and non-books that aren’t mine.
All snarkiness aside: writers have to do these things. I’m sure you understand. And I’m very proud of the new mykle.com. But I want you, my loyal helpabeariseatingme.comrades, to understand that even though I have been seen dating that other website over there, I promise I will not neglect you in any way … at least not any more than I was neglecting you before. This is still my first and best and favoritest website. When it’s down, I’m down. And HELP! is still my best-selling and easiest-to-explain book, thanks in no small part to you readers, fans and friends who I deeply appreciate. Thank you ten more times!
“I am a bear. Life is boring. Let me go eat some men …”
If you are the sort of person who likes websites full of funny, sad, adorable stories about bears and people — and we both know you are — then you ought to take a browse around Bear Parade, a lovely site dreamed up by Gene Morgan, Tao Lin and I think maybe some other people — it’s hard to be sure — hosting a large set of nicely-designed online chapbooks known as “the Bear Parade series.” Are they books? Are they e-books? I-books? Interbooks? I’m just not sure, but I like them anyway.
The link above will take you to a small fragment of Mazie Lousie Montgomery’s Compassionate Moose, the tenth book in the series and my personal favorite, largely due to its high bear content.
Raaar.
Last night I had the privilege of attending the Portland premiere of CORALINE, and I loved it. If you don’t already have a reason to go see this film — if, say, you hate beauty and pleasure, don’t care for suspense, couldn’t do much with a childlike sense of wonder — then you should go see it anyway, because I wrote some of the dialogue. Not a whole lot — just a few jokes here and there, just enough to feel proud. Hundreds of people, including dozens of my friends at Laika, combined their talents for two long years to make this film, and it’s a splendid relief to know the effort was well spent.
What’s particularly remarkable about this film is the use of 3-D. It’s not an exploitation of the effect, with zombies poking you in the face all the time. It’s much more subtle. The full-color 3-D effect allows the eye to behold all the fine details and beautiful design with more clarity and shape. So if you do see it, be sure to see it in 3-D.
Last night’s premiere at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall was quelle swank, featuring a string quartet beforehand, and then introductions by Phil Knight (owner of LAIKA and also some shoe company), Ted Kulongowski (the fuckin’ GOVERNOR of OREGON), Bill Foster (director of our local International Film Fest), Travis Knight (badass animator, and the best speaker by far) and Henry Sellick (director). After the film we shuffled over to the Portland Art Museum for a gala ball of fine catering and science-fair-style kiosks, where some of the workers on the film were able to explain the process in lifelike reproductions of their own cramped, dishelvled workspaces. Some of the many beautiful sets and puppets were also on display. The food was delish, everyone looked fabulous, and we’re all on pins and needles now, holding our breath as we watch our little Coraline step out into the world.
