It was my pleasure to assist in the fact-checking on Garrett Cook’s article about the mildly bear-themed film SLASHED DREAMS. Have you been wondering if you should rent this? Did you fear you were missing out? Let Garrett Cook — author of JIMMY PLUSH, BEAR DETECTIVE — put your mind at ease.
Everybody knows the holidays are the best time for arts & crafts. Why? Because it’s shitty outside! Here in Portland it’s fucking freezing, and I know we’re not alone.
But whether you’re snowed in in Minneapolis, rained out in Seattle or swallowed by a Burmese python in Tampa, I have a way for you to fight that shut-in feeling — and win some autographed free books in the process.
You see, there’s this guy named Patrick Wensink. I can totally vouch for him: he is a fine upstanding gentleman with a huge moustache and a charming short story collection: Sex Dungeon For Sale, just released by Eraserhead Press.
Because Patrick believes in the magic of Christmas and self-promotion, he has created a little contest over at his blog in time for the holidays — a coloring contest! With prizes! Everybody loves prizes, and these ones are sweet:
If your browser has the X-Ray Spex plug-in installed, you can see that all four of these books are autographed by their authors. (Otherwise, go to the contest page and check out the photos.) The copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! you see above contains a special one-of-a-kind illustration by me, Famous Doodler Mykle Hansen. The other three books also contain other awesome goodies. And all four books contain delicious, crispy words. In fact, Patrick calls these his favorite four books of the year. They are:
Fool- By Christopher Moore
Tales Designed to Thrizzle – by Michael Kupperman
AM/PM – By Amelia Gray
Help! A Bear is Eating Me! – By Mykle Hansen (hi!)
All you have to do to win these fabulous autographed books is to color in some pretty pictures, which illustrate some of Patrick’s stories, such as the one above. A child could do it, and so can you. Head over there now and give it a whirl. Tell him Mykle sent you … or just tell him to hand over the goddamn books because your mad coloring skillz are fresh like a falafel.
… hey, that’s me! Yes, it’s true, my fame is now almost as large as my head. Which, as this photo reveals, is almost as big as my ass.
What’s my secret? The Famous Author Mykle Hansen website! It’s fresh. It’s far-reaching and comprehensive. It contains organic sprouted grains and naked pictures of my cat, and is low in cryptosporidium. Through it you can learn about my other books, my other non-books, and other non-me things about books and non-books that aren’t mine.
All snarkiness aside: writers have to do these things. I’m sure you understand. And I’m very proud of the new mykle.com. But I want you, my loyal helpabeariseatingme.comrades, to understand that even though I have been seen dating that other website over there, I promise I will not neglect you in any way … at least not any more than I was neglecting you before. This is still my first and best and favoritest website. When it’s down, I’m down. And HELP! is still my best-selling and easiest-to-explain book, thanks in no small part to you readers, fans and friends who I deeply appreciate. Thank you ten more times!
Although I have written what is unquestionably the definitive bear-attack satire of our times, I can understand why you might be reluctant to take my word for it. Your novel-buying dollar has probably shrunk recently, along with all your other dollars. You must be assured of lasting quality. Twelve dollars is a lot of money — you could eat lunch with that!
So please, read these informative reviews before spending your hard-earned money on my hard-written book.
When last we left our heroine, Karen, she was slowly dying of pneumonia and ermine-flu brought on by overwork in the dark, dusty caverns below the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square. There she was forced by her cruel overlords to alphabetize rocks and debris without rest, and to write brief but appealing shelf-talkers for mummified rats. Karen depended on you, dear readers, as her only hope of escape from chick-lit white slavery. With your help, and with her own boundless reserves of tenacity and pep, maybe, just maybe, she could win the coveted Staffordshire Sales Award for February! Then, at the official award ceremony at Carnegie Hall, she could escape through a secret trapdoor in the orchestra pit and meet the daring team of teenage vegan activists with whom she had been secretly corresponding. These brave rescuers would spirit Karen away to new life in a land of hope, freedom and opportunity: a far away country known as Belgium! (more…)
Look at that face! This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.
Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases. But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.
You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC. Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey. It’s a hard life. But Karen doesn’t complain! This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.
How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage? I’m glad you asked. You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award. It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute! Yesterday, even. (more…)
Attention New Yorkers, Friends of New Yorkers, and New York Sexual Tourists: I need your help!
Here you see our favorite book: HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! We love this book so much, we even wrote it! This picture is coming to you live from the flagship Barnes and Noble store in Union Square, New York City.
Wave to the book! (more…)
Last night I had the privilege of attending the Portland premiere of CORALINE, and I loved it. If you don’t already have a reason to go see this film — if, say, you hate beauty and pleasure, don’t care for suspense, couldn’t do much with a childlike sense of wonder — then you should go see it anyway, because I wrote some of the dialogue. Not a whole lot — just a few jokes here and there, just enough to feel proud. Hundreds of people, including dozens of my friends at Laika, combined their talents for two long years to make this film, and it’s a splendid relief to know the effort was well spent.
What’s particularly remarkable about this film is the use of 3-D. It’s not an exploitation of the effect, with zombies poking you in the face all the time. It’s much more subtle. The full-color 3-D effect allows the eye to behold all the fine details and beautiful design with more clarity and shape. So if you do see it, be sure to see it in 3-D.
Last night’s premiere at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall was quelle swank, featuring a string quartet beforehand, and then introductions by Phil Knight (owner of LAIKA and also some shoe company), Ted Kulongowski (the fuckin’ GOVERNOR of OREGON), Bill Foster (director of our local International Film Fest), Travis Knight (badass animator, and the best speaker by far) and Henry Sellick (director). After the film we shuffled over to the Portland Art Museum for a gala ball of fine catering and science-fair-style kiosks, where some of the workers on the film were able to explain the process in lifelike reproductions of their own cramped, dishelvled workspaces. Some of the many beautiful sets and puppets were also on display. The food was delish, everyone looked fabulous, and we’re all on pins and needles now, holding our breath as we watch our little Coraline step out into the world.
Greetings from Ashland, Oregon! Vacation home of William Shakespeare, fine-dining capital of the greater Medford area, vacation meth destination and an all-around charming rural hamlet. Plus, it’s bear country!
The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is about to lose the feeling in its second leg. Our final appearance is tonight at Stillwater, in Ashland, Oregon. Come see the show that freaked out San Francisco and made Claremont uncomfortable! Information, entertainment, literature, music, feats of strength, alcoholic beverages and a special guest appearance by Black Rock City’s favorite band, THE BAD MINTONS! See it before it’s gone!
You know the score. Here’s the details for your friends:
—
EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:
“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at Stillwater –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling.
DATE:
January 9, 2009 — 9pm sharp!
LOCATION:
Stillwater Bar, Restuarant & Venue
1951 Highway 66, Ashland
541.482.6113
FEATURING:
A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!
DETAILS:
Global warming and the expansion of North America’s population are bringing bears and humans together with unprecedented frequency. What is the future of our relationship with these awesome creatures? Must we eat one another? Can’t we all just get along?
Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.
During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the human-bear relationship in this era of global warming, economic meltdown and obesity.
This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration of how to defend yourself against attack by an actual live bear in a natural setting!
FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com
