April 22, 2011
MISSIONE IN ALASKA is the title of the new Italian translation of your favorite book-I-wrote-about-being-eaten-by-a-bear! It’s available now, wherever fine Italian books are sold. Translator Francesco Francis carefully smuggled every bit of humor, depth and festive fierceness in this book across that delicate cultural barrier that separates America from other, more interesting countries.
To commemorate all this auspiciousness, I am offering my fans & friends a Missione of their own: to the first person who sends me a photograph of this book in an actual Italian bookstore, I hereby offer the bounty of a signed, autographed, inscribed and personalized copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in the language of your choice — as long as your choice is either Italian or English.
Furthermore, if you (that is, the Internet “you”) are able to provide such a photo in the next SEVEN DAYS, I will throw in one photograph of myself astride a classic Italian bicycle, eating pasta, making an authentic Italian hand gesture, wearing a shirt that says “VIVA YOUR NAME HERE!”
HELP! is the first of my books ever to be translated with my permission. I’m awfully proud. It’s things like this that make an author guy feel famous. Sadly, I lack the skills to appreciate it properly: I don’t speak much Italian. I do love the fettucini, the biscotti, the Cicciolina as much as anybody but I’m still an ignorant American at heart. So if you happen to live in Italy, or you know somebody who does — perhaps somebody who’d appreciate a truly universal tale of hubris, blood loss and fine upholstery — please mention to them that this book is now available in your local Italian book store. It’s probably just a handful of meters away from Umberto Eco!
November 25, 2010
Today is ESCAPE FROM THANKSGIVING — the day I interrupt your dinner by crowing constantly about my new book, among others. But since I’m about to get busy with a bird and a baster, I thought it might make more sense to provide you with this little excerpt.
The setting is the obscure Pacific island of Cristobol Minor, where our anti-hero André operates his unsavory but highly popular floating restaurant, “l’Arche”. In Chapter Two, he explains how he and his frightening business partner Marko landed on this particular island … (more…)
November 24, 2010
OMG! It’s Thanksgiving! Run away!
ESCAPE FROM THANKSGIVING is a special holiday-within-a-holiday in which we take time off from the gustatory family drama to storm around the Interwebs in our underpants, promoting the heck out of three brand-new Bizarro books about food — by David Agranoff, Chris Genoa and yours truly. (more…)
April 27, 2010
It was my pleasure to assist in the fact-checking on Garrett Cook’s article about the mildly bear-themed film SLASHED DREAMS. Have you been wondering if you should rent this? Did you fear you were missing out? Let Garrett Cook — author of JIMMY PLUSH, BEAR DETECTIVE — put your mind at ease.
December 6, 2009
Everybody knows the holidays are the best time for arts & crafts. Why? Because it’s shitty outside! Here in Portland it’s fucking freezing, and I know we’re not alone.
But whether you’re snowed in in Minneapolis, rained out in Seattle or swallowed by a Burmese python in Tampa, I have a way for you to fight that shut-in feeling — and win some autographed free books in the process. (more…)
November 13, 2009
… from the “I’m so glad there’s a website for that” department:
September 10, 2009
… hey, that’s me! Yes, it’s true, my fame is now almost as large as my head. Which, as this photo reveals, is almost as big as my ass.
What’s my secret? The Famous Author Mykle Hansen website! It’s fresh. It’s far-reaching and comprehensive. It contains organic sprouted grains and naked pictures of my cat, and is low in cryptosporidium. Through it you can learn about my other books, my other non-books, and other non-me things about books and non-books that aren’t mine. (more…)
August 13, 2009
Although I have written what is unquestionably the definitive bear-attack satire of our times, I can understand why you might be reluctant to take my word for it. Your novel-buying dollar has probably shrunk recently, along with all your other dollars. You must be assured of lasting quality. Twelve dollars is a lot of money — you could eat lunch with that!
So please, read these informative reviews before spending your hard-earned money on my hard-written book.
May 11, 2009
When last we left our heroine, Karen, she was slowly dying of pneumonia and ermine-flu brought on by overwork in the dark, dusty caverns below the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square. There she was forced by her cruel overlords to alphabetize rocks and debris without rest, and to write brief but appealing shelf-talkers for mummified rats. Karen depended on you, dear readers, as her only hope of escape from chick-lit white slavery. With your help, and with her own boundless reserves of tenacity and pep, maybe, just maybe, she could win the coveted Staffordshire Sales Award for February! Then, at the official award ceremony at Carnegie Hall, she could escape through a secret trapdoor in the orchestra pit and meet the daring team of teenage vegan activists with whom she had been secretly corresponding. These brave rescuers would spirit Karen away to new life in a land of hope, freedom and opportunity: a far away country known as Belgium! (more…)
February 19, 2009
Look at that face! This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.
Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases. But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.
You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC. Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey. It’s a hard life. But Karen doesn’t complain! This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.
How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage? I’m glad you asked. You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award. It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute! Yesterday, even. (more…)