There’s A Bear In Your Nook!

September 21, 2011

in book,E-Books,Help!,to-FAMH @ 5:55 pm

Bears learn photoshop, rewrite breakfast history!

A nook can be so many things.

  • It can be a tiny warm place in your kitchen where you drink your morning coffee and eat your morning crumpets.
  • It can be a tiny warm e-book reader from Barnes & Noble …
  • It can be … um … let’s see …

Okay, a nook can only be one of those two things. But now both of those things can potentially be full of bears!

What am I driving at? Why, it’s the official (cue trumpets!) release (cue dancing girls!) of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! (cue bears!) for the Nook e-reader! (Cue Photoshop!)

HELP! on the B&N Nook

See how a bear has already nibbled off the lower left-hand corner? That’s the kind of dynamic realism that e-book readers like the Nook offer in lieu of actual realness.

Victory Sweeter Than Freedom!

May 11, 2009

in book,E-Books,Help!,Promotion @ 12:48 pm

A perky slave girl wins a brief respite from flogging

When last we left our heroine, Karen, she was slowly dying of pneumonia and ermine-flu brought on by overwork in the dark, dusty caverns below the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square.  There she was forced by her cruel overlords to alphabetize rocks and debris without rest, and to write brief but appealing shelf-talkers for mummified rats.  Karen depended on you, dear readers, as her only hope of escape from chick-lit white slavery.  With your help, and with her own boundless reserves of tenacity and pep, maybe, just maybe, she could win the coveted Staffordshire Sales Award for February!  Then, at the official award ceremony at Carnegie Hall, she could escape through a secret trapdoor in the orchestra pit and meet the daring team of teenage vegan activists with whom she had been secretly corresponding.  These brave rescuers would spirit Karen away to new life in a land of hope, freedom and opportunity: a far away country known as Belgium! (more…)

Help! A bear is eating my Amazon Kindle!

December 18, 2008

in Bears,book,E-Books @ 3:17 pm

Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!  Now on Kindle!  For realz!

If you’re like me, you’re a cheap bastard, as well as an utter, dorkalicious nerd.  In which case, you probably already own the newest e-book reader in town, the Amazon Kindle.  You bought it not only because it’s a nifty doodad with an e-ink screen that runs linux, but also because you figured that the savings from buying books electronically would more than justify the exorbitant price of the aforementioned doodad.

Or else maybe you want to save the trees, or something.  I don’t know.  Have we met?  How would I know what you’re like?  But the point is, as an owner of the Amazon Kindle you are now a mere two or three light finger movements away from also being the owner of … the brand-new Amazon Kindle Edition of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  Or, as we call it around the home office, The Amazon Bear Experiment.

Now YOU can save over $5, compared to the cover price of the boring old paper edition!  But that’s not all!  YOU will also avoid the faint musky odor of the bear-scented scratch-n-sniff ink!  YOUR statistical risk of accidental papercuts will plummet to nil!  (Offset only by a mild increase in electrocution hazard while reading in YOUR bathtub.  We think that’s a small price to pay.)

Compared to the paper edition, the Kindle edition is over 5000% lighter, 2700% thinner and 99% as funny!  Such a bargain!   How do you take advantage of this amazing offer?  I’m not sure.  Click somewhere, maybe?  I don’t own a Kindle, so I couldn’t tell you.  If you do figure it out, please post instructions here!

(My own Kindle is still in the budget-justification phase, but your purchase of the Help! A Bear Is Eating Me! Kindle Edition! could change all that!  In fact, I calculate that if only 1000 of you fine Internet people purchase the Kindle Edition for your Kindles, I will have earned enough income to buy a Kindle for myself.  And if 6000 of you purchase it, I’ll have enough money to buy both a Kindle and some food!)