There’s A Bear In Your Nook!

September 21, 2011

in book,E-Books,Help!,to-FAMH @ 5:55 pm

Bears learn photoshop, rewrite breakfast history!

A nook can be so many things.

  • It can be a tiny warm place in your kitchen where you drink your morning coffee and eat your morning crumpets.
  • It can be a tiny warm e-book reader from Barnes & Noble …
  • It can be … um … let’s see …

Okay, a nook can only be one of those two things. But now both of those things can potentially be full of bears!

What am I driving at? Why, it’s the official (cue trumpets!) release (cue dancing girls!) of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! (cue bears!) for the Nook e-reader! (Cue Photoshop!)

HELP! on the B&N Nook

See how a bear has already nibbled off the lower left-hand corner? That’s the kind of dynamic realism that e-book readers like the Nook offer in lieu of actual realness.
(more…)

The Seattle Bear!

June 17, 2010

in Bears,Events,Help! @ 5:26 pm

Calling all space needlers!  This Saturday, June 19th 2010, I will present a special reprise infotainment performance of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! to visitors of Seattle’s Crypticon!  If you’re in the area, please come join me at the merciless hour of eleven AM, when a very special guest and I will expose you to poignant and disemboweling truths about these special animals.

P.S. The Seattle Bear is an asshole!

Color your way to freedom!

December 6, 2009

Chicken Soup for the Kidnapper's Soul

Everybody knows the holidays are the best time for arts & crafts.  Why?  Because it’s shitty outside! Here in Portland it’s fucking freezing, and I know we’re not alone.

But whether you’re snowed in in Minneapolis, rained out in Seattle or swallowed by a Burmese python in Tampa, I have a way for you to fight that shut-in feeling — and win some autographed free books in the process. (more…)

Praise for HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!

August 13, 2009

in book,Help!,Promotion @ 9:35 am

Although I have written what is unquestionably the definitive bear-attack satire of our times, I can understand why you might be reluctant to take my word for it.  Your novel-buying dollar has probably shrunk recently, along with all your other dollars.  You must be assured of lasting quality.  Twelve dollars is a lot of money — you could eat lunch with that!

So please, read these informative reviews before spending your hard-earned money on my hard-written book.

(more…)

Victory Sweeter Than Freedom!

May 11, 2009

in book,E-Books,Help!,Promotion @ 12:48 pm

A perky slave girl wins a brief respite from flogging

When last we left our heroine, Karen, she was slowly dying of pneumonia and ermine-flu brought on by overwork in the dark, dusty caverns below the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square.  There she was forced by her cruel overlords to alphabetize rocks and debris without rest, and to write brief but appealing shelf-talkers for mummified rats.  Karen depended on you, dear readers, as her only hope of escape from chick-lit white slavery.  With your help, and with her own boundless reserves of tenacity and pep, maybe, just maybe, she could win the coveted Staffordshire Sales Award for February!  Then, at the official award ceremony at Carnegie Hall, she could escape through a secret trapdoor in the orchestra pit and meet the daring team of teenage vegan activists with whom she had been secretly corresponding.  These brave rescuers would spirit Karen away to new life in a land of hope, freedom and opportunity: a far away country known as Belgium! (more…)

How can you resist?

February 19, 2009

in Bears,book,Help!,Promotion @ 4:07 pm

The saddest bookseller in New York City

Look at that face!  This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.

Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases.  But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.

You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC.  Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey.  It’s a hard life.  But Karen doesn’t complain!  This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.

How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage?  I’m glad you asked.  You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award.  It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute!  Yesterday, even. (more…)

New York Emergency!

February 12, 2009

in book,Help!,Promotion @ 1:41 am

Attention New Yorkers, Friends of New Yorkers, and New York Sexual Tourists: I need your help!

Here you see our favorite book: HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  We love this book so much, we even wrote it!  This picture is coming to you live from the flagship Barnes and Noble store in Union Square, New York City.

Wave to the book! (more…)

Bears in the roadway! Ashland, Oregon!

January 9, 2009

Greetings from Ashland, Oregon!  Vacation home of William Shakespeare, fine-dining capital of the greater Medford area, vacation meth destination and an all-around charming rural hamlet. Plus, it’s bear country!

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is about to lose the feeling in its second leg. Our final appearance is tonight at Stillwater, in Ashland, Oregon.  Come see the show that freaked out San Francisco and made Claremont uncomfortable!  Information, entertainment, literature, music, feats of strength, alcoholic beverages and a special guest appearance by Black Rock City’s favorite band, THE BAD MINTONS!  See it before it’s gone!

You know the score.  Here’s the details for your friends:

EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at Stillwater –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling.

DATE:
January 9, 2009 — 9pm sharp!

LOCATION:
Stillwater Bar, Restuarant & Venue
1951 Highway 66, Ashland
541.482.6113

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s population are bringing bears and humans together with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the human-bear relationship in this era of global warming, economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration of how to defend yourself against attack by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

Bear attack in Claremont, CA! Monday January 5th!

January 4, 2009

Dear Friends:

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is coming TOMORROW to a stylish supper club known as THE PRESS, situated in Claremont, California.  This will be our only LA-area appearance for the near future, and I’m sure my LA friends and my Claremont friends are equally offended that I would even place Claremont in the LA area.  Nevertheless, I’m told it’s less than an hour’s drive from at least some part of LA.  But don’t take my word for it: ask Google Maps.

More details below!  Please come if you can, and please spread the word to your beloved loved ones whom you love.  A festive evening of infotainment is guaranteed!

Seeya,

-mykle-

—-
EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at The Press –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling,
with a rock & roll chaser.

DATE: Monday, January 5th, 9pm
LOCATION: The Press Restaurant ~ 129 Harvard Ave., Claremont

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!
AND: Special guests The Kurt Ross Band

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s
population are bringing bears and humans together
with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our
relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must
we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture
of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read
from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and
entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the
human-bear relationship in this era of global warming,
economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration
of how to defend yourself against attack
by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

After the bear is returned to its cage, musical guests
The Kurt Ross Band will take the stage for a fine
evening of snarky R&B, joined by special guest
Jeff “The Chet” Lyster, formerly of the Honkey Tonk Angels,
fresh from his tour with Lucinda Williams.

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

THE INTERNET KNOWS ALL:

http://helpabeariseatingme.com

Book Trailer!

November 4, 2008

in Bears,book,Help!,Promotion @ 11:47 am

Yes, self-amusement is the key to joy. Here’s a little promo piece that Danny Norton (of extrasketch fame) shot and edited, featuring the amazing 2-D animation chops of Your Humble Narrator! Isn’t it amazing what today’s doodads can do?

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