The Bear-o-dactyl enjoys a smoke

September 29, 2011

in Bears,General Knowledge @ 2:20 pm

… words fail me.

(From The Oatmeal. Go see it in high-res! Archival prints also available. Makes a great gift for your former girlfriend.)

Enviro-Bear 2000!

May 5, 2011

in Bears @ 12:39 am

Of all the bear-driving-a-car-over-fish simulations out there, only this one receives my seal of approval!

Missione In Alaska! And a contest for you!

April 22, 2011

in Bears,book,Promotion @ 4:03 pm

The cover of Missione In Alaska

MISSIONE IN ALASKA is the title of the new Italian translation of your favorite book-I-wrote-about-being-eaten-by-a-bear! It’s available now, wherever fine Italian books are sold. Translator Francesco Francis carefully smuggled every bit of humor, depth and festive fierceness in this book across that delicate cultural barrier that separates America from other, more interesting countries.

To commemorate all this auspiciousness, I am offering my fans & friends a Missione of their own: to the first person who sends me a photograph of this book in an actual Italian bookstore, I hereby offer the bounty of a signed, autographed, inscribed and personalized copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in the language of your choice — as long as your choice is either Italian or English.

Furthermore, if you (that is, the Internet “you”) are able to provide such a photo in the next SEVEN DAYS, I will throw in one photograph of myself astride a classic Italian bicycle, eating pasta, making an authentic Italian hand gesture, wearing a shirt that says “VIVA YOUR NAME HERE!”

HELP! is the first of my books ever to be translated with my permission. I’m awfully proud. It’s things like this that make an author guy feel famous. Sadly, I lack the skills to appreciate it properly: I don’t speak much Italian. I do love the fettucini, the biscotti, the Cicciolina as much as anybody but I’m still an ignorant American at heart. So if you happen to live in Italy, or you know somebody who does — perhaps somebody who’d appreciate a truly universal tale of hubris, blood loss and fine upholstery — please mention to them that this book is now available in your local Italian book store. It’s probably just a handful of meters away from Umberto Eco!

In Other Bear-Related News …

November 6, 2010

… check out my favorite new bear-related-news blog:
In Other Bear Related News!

 Yes ... a bear!

… I’m so glad someone’s covering for me here!
I have been asleep at the Wheel of Bears,
what with the NEW NOVEL and everything …

(more…)

The Seattle Bear!

June 17, 2010

in Bears,Events,Help! @ 5:26 pm

Calling all space needlers!  This Saturday, June 19th 2010, I will present a special reprise infotainment performance of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! to visitors of Seattle’s Crypticon!  If you’re in the area, please come join me at the merciless hour of eleven AM, when a very special guest and I will expose you to poignant and disemboweling truths about these special animals.

P.S. The Seattle Bear is an asshole!

Slashed Dreams and Bear Necessities

April 27, 2010

Bear watching TV

It was my pleasure to assist in the fact-checking on Garrett Cook’s article about the mildly bear-themed film SLASHED DREAMS.  Have you been wondering if you should rent this?  Did you fear you were missing out?  Let Garrett Cook — author of JIMMY PLUSH, BEAR DETECTIVE — put your mind at ease.

New York City … home of Death Bear!

February 23, 2010

in Bears @ 7:01 pm

Death Bear door-to-door

Death Bear is a superhero of the mourning process.  He comes silently, like cancer, to take away the stubborn little things that memories cling to.  Also, he’s a bear.  (Although, I heard a rumor that he is really Darth Vader, trying to atone for his past misdeeds, starting over in an awkward but sincere fashion.  Who can be sure?  I don’t know, but I’d love to ask him.)

Death Bear is just one of New York City’s many bears worth visiting.  I’ll be there this April 15-19, doing “promotion”, seeing friends, researching a biographical project and riding my bicycle like the bicycle-obsessed freak I am.  My plan is to remain cheerful.  We’ll see what happens.

However, Brooklynites don’t have to wait until April, because Death Bear is making house calls this weekend!  Text him at 347-742-2293 for an appointment.  Act now, before you cheer up!

How Long Could You Survive …

January 12, 2010

in Bears,General Knowledge @ 2:27 pm

Unsure?  Take this surprisingly educational quiz and find out!  I was told “one hour, twenty minutes” — but then again, I am a professional.  Can you do better?  Maybe you can even make it to a hospital!

(Courtesy of The Oatmeal.)

Jimmy Plush, Bear Detective!

September 24, 2009

in Bears,General Knowledge @ 11:20 am

Image: Luke Chueh

“In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I’ve got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I’m a private detective. I’m also a teddy bear. (more…)

Bear, Eating Man

September 10, 2009

in Bears,General Knowledge @ 3:13 pm

“I am a bear. Life is boring. Let me go eat some men …”

If you are the sort of person who likes websites full of funny, sad, adorable stories about bears and people — and we both know you are — then you ought to take a browse around Bear Parade, a lovely site dreamed up by Gene Morgan, Tao Lin and I think maybe some other people — it’s hard to be sure — hosting a large set of nicely-designed online chapbooks known as “the Bear Parade series.”  Are they books?  Are they e-books?  I-books?  Interbooks?  I’m just not sure, but I like them anyway.

The link above will take you to a small fragment of  Mazie Lousie Montgomery’s Compassionate Moose, the tenth book in the series and my personal favorite, largely due to its high bear content.

Raaar.

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