Alaskan Bears Reject Palin!

September 10, 2009

in Bears @ 3:00 pm

Alaska Women Reject Palin Rally

Bears penetrate vault, escape with valuables

September 1, 2009

in Bears @ 12:39 pm

Bear-Proof Can Is Pop-Top Picnic for a Crafty Thief

A smart bear regularly defeats a complex device, meant to protect campers’ food, that even some people can’t open.  Surprised?  Hardly.  Every night bears creep into my house and use my laptop to purchase canned salmon online, and I still can’t even catch them in the act.  They are clever and sneaky.

Even in urban areas, it’s always a good idea to suspend your food from a rope in a tall tree at night.  This won’t actually thwart bears, but it will keep them occupied and off the streets.

How can you resist?

February 19, 2009

in Bears,book,Help!,Promotion @ 4:07 pm

The saddest bookseller in New York City

Look at that face!  This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.

Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases.  But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.

You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC.  Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey.  It’s a hard life.  But Karen doesn’t complain!  This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.

How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage?  I’m glad you asked.  You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award.  It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute!  Yesterday, even. (more…)

THINGPART: Getting eaten by bears!

January 27, 2009

in Bears @ 8:41 pm

NOTICE: This cartoon has been modified from its original version. It has been reformatted to fit your screen.

Bears in the roadway! Ashland, Oregon!

January 9, 2009

Greetings from Ashland, Oregon!  Vacation home of William Shakespeare, fine-dining capital of the greater Medford area, vacation meth destination and an all-around charming rural hamlet. Plus, it’s bear country!

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is about to lose the feeling in its second leg. Our final appearance is tonight at Stillwater, in Ashland, Oregon.  Come see the show that freaked out San Francisco and made Claremont uncomfortable!  Information, entertainment, literature, music, feats of strength, alcoholic beverages and a special guest appearance by Black Rock City’s favorite band, THE BAD MINTONS!  See it before it’s gone!

You know the score.  Here’s the details for your friends:

EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at Stillwater –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling.

DATE:
January 9, 2009 — 9pm sharp!

LOCATION:
Stillwater Bar, Restuarant & Venue
1951 Highway 66, Ashland
541.482.6113

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s population are bringing bears and humans together with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the human-bear relationship in this era of global warming, economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration of how to defend yourself against attack by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

Bear Sneak Attack in San Francisco!

January 6, 2009

in Bears,book,Events,Promotion @ 9:58 pm

Dear friends,

Short notice!  Wednesday night, the 7th of January, I’ll be in San Francisco to present to you words, slides and astounding deeds!

DATE: Wednesday January 7th, 8pm!
LOCATION: The House of Hope and Inspiration, in Visitation Valley — 150 Delta Street, San Francisco.
(Parking available in the school lot at Delta & Wilde.)

Sorry for the short notice; it’s been hard to get this confirmed until the very last minute.  I hope you can make it, and please tell your loved ones and anybody you know who likes bears or me.

See you soon!

-mykle-

Today I was not raped by a bear.

January 4, 2009

in Bears @ 7:03 pm

Bear attack in Claremont, CA! Monday January 5th!

Dear Friends:

The HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! World Tour of North America is coming TOMORROW to a stylish supper club known as THE PRESS, situated in Claremont, California.  This will be our only LA-area appearance for the near future, and I’m sure my LA friends and my Claremont friends are equally offended that I would even place Claremont in the LA area.  Nevertheless, I’m told it’s less than an hour’s drive from at least some part of LA.  But don’t take my word for it: ask Google Maps.

More details below!  Please come if you can, and please spread the word to your beloved loved ones whom you love.  A festive evening of infotainment is guaranteed!

Seeya,

-mykle-

—-
EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT:

“Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!” at The Press –
Book reading, slideshow and bear wrestling,
with a rock & roll chaser.

DATE: Monday, January 5th, 9pm
LOCATION: The Press Restaurant ~ 129 Harvard Ave., Claremont

FEATURING:

A reading by author Mykle Hansen,
a special slideshow on bears in North America,
and a live demonstration of advanced
BEAR SELF-DEFENSE TECHNIQUES!
AND: Special guests The Kurt Ross Band

DETAILS:

Global warming and the expansion of North America’s
population are bringing bears and humans together
with unprecedented frequency.  What is the future of our
relationship with these awesome creatures?  Must
we eat one another?  Can’t we all just get along?

Portland, Oregon author MYKLE HANSEN addresses that question among others in his new novel HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! — a schadenfreude-laden farce of American hubris in the face of Nature and her servants, specifically the wild bears of Alaska.

During his one-hour presentation, Mr. Hansen, a fixture
of Portland’s literary and spoken-word scenes, will read
from his new novel and deliver an enlightening and
entertaining slideshow on the shifting dynamic of the
human-bear relationship in this era of global warming,
economic meltdown and obesity.

This will be followed by a brief but exciting demonstration
of how to defend yourself against attack
by an actual live bear in a natural setting!

After the bear is returned to its cage, musical guests
The Kurt Ross Band will take the stage for a fine
evening of snarky R&B, joined by special guest
Jeff “The Chet” Lyster, formerly of the Honkey Tonk Angels,
fresh from his tour with Lucinda Williams.

FOR MORE INFO, PRESS PACKET, REVIEW COPIES:
Contact Rose O’Keefe — publisher@eraserheadpress.com
Or Mykle Hansen — info@helpabeariseatingme.com

THE INTERNET KNOWS ALL:

http://helpabeariseatingme.com

Help! A bear is eating my Amazon Kindle!

December 18, 2008

in Bears,book,E-Books @ 3:17 pm

Help! A Bear Is Eating Me!  Now on Kindle!  For realz!

If you’re like me, you’re a cheap bastard, as well as an utter, dorkalicious nerd.  In which case, you probably already own the newest e-book reader in town, the Amazon Kindle.  You bought it not only because it’s a nifty doodad with an e-ink screen that runs linux, but also because you figured that the savings from buying books electronically would more than justify the exorbitant price of the aforementioned doodad.

Or else maybe you want to save the trees, or something.  I don’t know.  Have we met?  How would I know what you’re like?  But the point is, as an owner of the Amazon Kindle you are now a mere two or three light finger movements away from also being the owner of … the brand-new Amazon Kindle Edition of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  Or, as we call it around the home office, The Amazon Bear Experiment.

Now YOU can save over $5, compared to the cover price of the boring old paper edition!  But that’s not all!  YOU will also avoid the faint musky odor of the bear-scented scratch-n-sniff ink!  YOUR statistical risk of accidental papercuts will plummet to nil!  (Offset only by a mild increase in electrocution hazard while reading in YOUR bathtub.  We think that’s a small price to pay.)

Compared to the paper edition, the Kindle edition is over 5000% lighter, 2700% thinner and 99% as funny!  Such a bargain!   How do you take advantage of this amazing offer?  I’m not sure.  Click somewhere, maybe?  I don’t own a Kindle, so I couldn’t tell you.  If you do figure it out, please post instructions here!

(My own Kindle is still in the budget-justification phase, but your purchase of the Help! A Bear Is Eating Me! Kindle Edition! could change all that!  In fact, I calculate that if only 1000 of you fine Internet people purchase the Kindle Edition for your Kindles, I will have earned enough income to buy a Kindle for myself.  And if 6000 of you purchase it, I’ll have enough money to buy both a Kindle and some food!)

Greetings from Seattle!

November 22, 2008

in Bears,book,Events,Promotion @ 1:15 pm

bears vs. bears -- who will come out on top?

Hello from the tour!  Tonight is the final night of the first leg of this book tour, and we’re doing it in style, at the beautiful Jewelbox Theater in Seattle.  Please remind your friends that this is a three-for-one show: book reading, slideshow and survival training.  Each of those experiences alone might cost hours of your life, but for a limited time we’re able to offer all three in an affordable 45 minute time span!  We know times are tough, so come down to the Jewelbox Theater — at the Rendezvous Lounge, in Seattle’s charmingly sketchy Belltown district — and invite these bargains into your life!

It’s all happening right at 8pm, here!

Jewelbox Theater @ Rendezvous Lounge — 2322 2nd Ave, Belltown

Come early and get a drink in you!

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