February 19, 2009
Look at that face! This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.
Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases. But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.
You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC. Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey. It’s a hard life. But Karen doesn’t complain! This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.
How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage? I’m glad you asked. You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award. It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute! Yesterday, even. (more…)