THE BLURB HUNTER!

October 8, 2007

in Help!,The Blurb Hunter @ 6:28 pm

I hope by now you’ve learned, as Marv Pushkin may never learn, the extreme folly of striking out into the wilderness and attempting to hunt animals much larger than you. But what of hunkering down in front of your internet surfboard/pornscope, hunting the book cover endorsements of celebrities much more famous than you? Is this also supreme folly? Or is it … SUPREME ADVENTURE?

I don’t know, but we’re going to find out … with a CONTEST!

(You may have already won this contest — especially if your name is Ted Nugent!)

Here’s the deal: in ancient times, books were judged by their contents. But in our futuristic digital era, consumers need things called BLURBS: a type of celebrity endorsement in which a famous writer or actor or musician/bowhunter is quoted, expressing admiration for some portion of the book’s content. (The admired portion can be very small: just a few sentences, or just the cover illustration, or just a rumor they heard about how AWESOME this book is!)

Now, I’m already incredibly famous, because I have a website. But incredible fame is like astrophysics: all fame is incredible, but some degrees of fame are incredibly more incredible than others. Universal laws of the cosmos dictate that my fame can only grow with the assistance of large masses of outside fame, at a rate governed by the well-known Grovnitz/Warhol equations which we all remember from third grade physics.

To boil it all down for you: I need famous people! Stat! I need them to read the finished ‘review copy’ manuscript of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! and to say flattering, eloquent, brief things about it, which we can print on the back cover. This is where BLURBS come from. And that’s how the game is played, baby. It’s not about quality, it’s not about merit, it’s not even about my fellatio skills … it’s all about the whims of the famous people.

Which famous people do I need, you ask? Well, writers are a good choice because the public thinks writers must have good taste in books. Likewise actors and athletes. Internet taste-makers are another good choice, because their opinions are broadcast far and wide by software. Reviewers in newspapers that are famous are themselves famous by proxy, and their opinions are much sought.

And then there are those uncategorizably famous people whose fame burns like an H-Bomb in the night, the kinds of people whose endorsement would immediately mint several hundred thousand copies of this promising new first novel by underrated genius me! For instance:

TED NUGENT!
WALTER MOSSBERG!
BILL CLINTON!
QUENTIN TARANTINO!
STEVE MARTIN!
OPRAH WINFREY!

… you know, those kind of people. Wait … do you actually *know* those kinds of people? Maybe you ARE those kinds of people!

Well, probably not. But the odds are good that one of your friends’ friends is friends with a friend of one of those people’s friends! How crazy is that? So, clearly, if your want to win this CONTEST, it’s time to start getting friendly!

—————————————

Any QUESTIONS?

Q: Okay, but what’s in it for me?

A: How about a signed first edition of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!

Q: No. Not good enough. What else?

A: Okay, how about … a signed first edition AND a limited edition HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! T-shirt!

Q: Keep trying.

A: Umm … well shit, I’m not made of prizes … how about: one signed first edition, one limited-edition T-shirt, AND: a personalized one-of-a-kind short story! Featuring YOU, the famous person whose Blurb YOU hunted, and … Marcia from Product Dialoge!

Q: Now you’re talking! But how do I do this?

A: Whew! Glad you asked! If you think you can put a review copy (electronic or printed) in the hands of a bona-fide Famous Person, please contact me via e-mail (mykle-at-mykle-dotcom) with the details! You bring the fame, I bring the literature! (It’s important to be subtle about this stuff. Famous people spook easily, like deer.)

ALSO: Come to http://helpabeariseatingme.com and visit the new BLURB HUNTER section for updates on this important contest! See what blurbs we’ve bagged, size up the competition, and talk big about your “connections!” Feel important! It’s fun! I do it every day! It makes me feel good.

2 comments

  1. Hi, my name is Brian Jones. I have a famous name and will be glad to blurb your book. “A laugh-a-page” comes to mind, since I read at a rate of about one page per minute, and your podcast makes me laugh at about the same rate.

    “I know Edna’s vagina like I know my own driveway” needs to be on the Entire State Building.

    comment by Brian Jones — October 12, 2007 @ 11:54 am

  2. Awesome! We’ll take it! Are we allowed to say that you are a famous dead person? If not, can we at least insinuate that you might have been killed by jealous bandmates? And/or are you an even more famous person who I haven’t heard of?

    comment by admin — October 21, 2007 @ 9:40 am

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