October 18, 2007
Exciting news today! We’ve picked up some major commercial support for this chapter of the tragicomic novel:
HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!
It’s an exciting, fun, interesting chapter that’s also depressing, gruesome and awful! We’ll give you the link in a moment, but first: a word from our sponsors!
Chapter Ten of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! is brought to you in part by the fine, crunchy people at LAY’S POTATO CHIPS! Whether you’re a hiker on a trail, a mother packing a lunch for her child, or a ravenous, angry bear on a desperate hunt for calories as winter encroaches … LAY’S POTATO CHIPS are the perfect, portable, non-perishable, non-biodegradable snack to keep you starched-up and salty in the short term!
Why not visit their excessively Flash-enabled website:
Yes, that’s — whoops! No, not that one! This one!
yes, that one.
And now, here’s CHAPTER TEN in AAC/iPod format!
We also have that same file in MP3 format — after this message!
Chapter Ten of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! is brought to you in part by the sharp, precise, lightly-oiled people at LEATHERMAN TOOL GROUP, makers of the LEATHERMAN SUPER-TOOL! This amazing pocket toolshed with 1001 uses is all you need to fell a tree, circumcise a child, steal a car, kill a policeman, sabotage a motorboat, or carve an intricate lifelike pistol out of a bar of soap! What more does anybody need, really? Why don’t you visit them on the web, and find out?
PLUS! Take a look at the new SKELETOOL CX — as endorsed by SKELETOR! It’s like someone spent a month with a Super Tool, a drill press and a bag of speed!
Here’s the link:
Check it out and OH MY GOD! STOP! DON’T CLICK THAT! Shit, sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this morning. Hmm … is this it?
… yeah, that’s it. Sorry Mr. Leatherman … sorry … oops.
Okay, now here’s that link in mp3 format! Chapter Ten! Right here!
Next up: QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS! But first, a word from our third sponsor.
Chapter Ten of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! is brought to you in part by … CRYSTAL METH! Yes! It’s the dirty white street drug that makes you very very SMART! And extremely FAST! And also really INTERESTING! And who needs TEETH, really, when you’re that FAST and that SMART? And not at all PARANOID, oh no! No way! That would SUCK! But if you did feel that way, probably you’d feel BETTER with some METH! I mean, after the pain in your nose goes away! OW! I HATE THAT SHIT!
DUDE! METH! Need some? You TOTALLY need some! And it’s available, like, any time! Just talk to that spotty-faced kid on the BMX bike down by the bus stop outside my house! His name is JAMAL and he likes to TALK!
METH! Ask for it by NAME! Real LOUD! Like this: “HEY JAMAL! GOT SOME METH?” Jamal will HOOK YOU UP!
Jamal doesn’t have his own website, but he’s really into this one:
… it’s fuckin’ SHREDDIN’!
And now it’s time for: QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS!
Q: You website says the book is out in OCTOBER. It’s OCTOBER now. Where’s the book?
– Impatient Consumer, Brooklyn NY
A: Dear IC: Well, we’re optimists here at OUCH!Corp. And when this website got built, we were even bigger optimists! But things happen: delays occur, plans change, and sometimes time and space collapse upon themselves in the centers of black holes. The upshot is: it’s looking like December now. We will adjust our website to reflect current optimism levels.
Q: You said you were going out on a book tour in NOVEMBER. When will you be here? I want to come see you read something in a bear suit!
– Creepy Fur Fetishist, Mar Vista CA
A: Those plans have not just changed, CFF — they’ve IMPROVED! Calton Mellick the Third and I the First are plotting an epic BIZARRO WEST COAST TOUR! It’s going to happen! But Carlton’s schedule is not my schedule, and he doesn’t have time until January. So, if ever I told you “November” in the context of book tours, please blot out your memory of that, and insert a false memory of me saying “January”. (If you need it, you can borrow my hypno-disk.)
Q: You told me this book was a comedy, but now it’s gotten all weird and scary! Marv Pushkin is a jerk! Why should I even continue to listen to this unfunny, strange, creepy crap?
– Shallow Moron, Gresham OR
A: Dear SM: What can I say? Life is not all fun and cake. Neither is this book. But don’t worry, because whereas Chapter Ten attempts to be somewhat deep and poetic, upcoming Chapter Eleven is a non-stop laff-riot! And from there, well, it’s an emotional roller-coaster, true — but like a real roller-coaster, it will have some high points with splendid views of the parking lot, and you will travel through the low points at maximum speed, and anyway it won’t hurt you. When you’re done you’ll either want to ride it again or throw up. But if you push off the safety harness now, and leap from the cart before coming to a complete stop in the boarding area, well … you’ll die. Sorry, but it’s true. You’ll actually die if you quit now. Please, don’t die. Keep listening. We’re nearly done.
Well, that’s all for now. Don’t forget to consume lots of potato chips, methedrine and pocket knives this week!
And avoid bears!