November 6, 2007
Hi Kids! Happy Halloween! Yes, we know it’s a few days late; we’re a few days late; you too, someday, will be a few days late. And when that day comes, rest assured that I will not be the one to hassle you about the small, slight, nigh imperceptible delay in your release of CHAPTER ELEVEN of your thirteen-chapter existential nightmare comedy novel known as:
HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!
… but don’t name your book that, or I will be forced to sue.
EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT!
Just a note to warn you that this chapter does include a zesty pinch of fellatio. If you or someone near you is fellatio-averse, we recommend you scream at the top of your lungs and pound your fists into the sides of your heads during the initial two minutes and fifty seconds.
A REPORT FROM THE FACTORY FLOOR:
Things are humming along here at OUCH!Corp; actions are being taken, verbs are happening. The Blurb Hunt continues apace. The Cover Art is nearing completion, and we can’t wait to show it to you. The tour schedule for January is firming up. We’re planning a release event in December … there’s just so very many things almost-but-not-quite-ready to tell you about, we here at OUCH!Corp are puffy with enthusiasm and suspense. Don’t poke us! We’ll pop!
THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON DYING:
As you know, every October shopkeepers erect elaborate displays in their windows, in order to disguise their early preparations for the consumer holidays: Thankseating Day, Christshopmas, and New Outfit’s Eve. And we’re no different. Even as we clear the last few cobwebs from our eyes and stuff the leftover candy of the last holiday into the empty cavity of the next holiday’s turkey, our every spare thought is for the holiday after that: Yuletide, the season of giving … and how can we sell you something?
We can’t divulge too much of our secret plans at this time, but watch this space, and reserve a portion of your credit limit for beautiful opportunities coming soon!
“How much should I reserve?” you ask?
Well … how much do you love Christmas?
Season’s Toodles! Watch out for those bears!