New York Emergency!

February 12, 2009

in book,Help!,Promotion @ 1:41 am

Attention New Yorkers, Friends of New Yorkers, and New York Sexual Tourists: I need your help!

Here you see our favorite book: HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME!  We love this book so much, we even wrote it!  This picture is coming to you live from the flagship Barnes and Noble store in Union Square, New York City.

Wave to the book!

Notice how the book is displayed: in the Paperback Favorites section, also the Staff Recommendations section.  See how it rests in the very center spot on the very top row, tilted appealingly toward your wallet.  Notice how well-lit it is.  It seems almost to smile at you, almost to wink.  This book wants you to take it home.

Sure, you say, all the books want me to take them home.  I’m sexy that way.  But no, this is different. This is for a good cause.

This month only, a very special young lady is trying to win a staff sales award.  Her name is Karen, and she works in the fiction department.  She’s only six years old, she has cancer and a wooden leg and she’s cute as the dickens.  She wants to win this award so badly, you see, because both of her mommies are in jail, and the only way she can visit them is by bribing their jailer with bright, shiny objects such as the coveted B&N Staffie Award — a gold-plated Staffordshire Terrier, depicted in mid-leap, carrying a saliva-drenched first edition of Nicholas Nickleby in its jaws!

Attention New York City: some call you grumpy, callous and cold.  But I know you have a heart of gold!  Won’t you please tear that golden heart out of your grumpy little chest right now, and send it to, and take the cash they give you in return down to the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Union Square, and help make a little girl’s dream come true?

Did I mention she has cancer?  Two kinds!  But more than that, she has guts.  Karen is one of the few booksellers who’ve taken a chance by stocking HELP! in their stores, and found — to their shock and amazement — that IT SELLS LIKE MAD. People love this book.  They love the front cover.  They love the back cover.  They love the wordy parts in the middle and they are crazy about the spine.

So if you don’t enjoy reifying the dreams of cancer-children, if you’re that callous and cold and un-goldhearted, if you won’t do it for Karen … then please, do it for me.  Because I owe this lady big time.


Cash for Gold!

Bookstore location!

MTA Trip Planner!

How to tie your shoes.


  1. Thank you!
    …for directing me to your book.
    The cover indicates that
    it will be fun to read.

    Thank you even more!
    …for informing me how to sell
    my family’s valued gold posessions
    for cash.

    Thank You Most of All!
    …for helping me
    finally learn
    how to tie
    my shoes!

    comment by Thankful Givesthanks — February 12, 2009 @ 2:27 am

  2. You’re welcome!

    comment by admin — February 12, 2009 @ 2:06 pm

  3. Dear Famous Author,

    Can you give me any advice on which of the 17 different ways to tie your shoes might be most ideal for a trip to New York to buy your book? I’m ready to go, I have cash in hand, but I’m starting to realize that the way I’ve tied my shoes until now might not be the best way… and with 16 other ways to choose from, I feel like I need expert help to decide.

    Please hurry, my flight leaves from Sydney Airport in just a few hours…

    comment by Bewildered in Australia — February 12, 2009 @ 4:42 pm

  4. Christ. I tried to give people options and now everybody is stuck at home trying to tie their shoes seventeen ways instead of BUYING MY BOOK. This is how Rome fell!

    Here, just watch this:

    comment by mykle — February 13, 2009 @ 12:47 am

  5. I own that book. It finally helped me get my legs out of that bear’s mouth.

    comment by Alfred — July 13, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

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