February 12, 2009
Attention New Yorkers, Friends of New Yorkers, and New York Sexual Tourists: I need your help!
Here you see our favorite book: HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! We love this book so much, we even wrote it! This picture is coming to you live from the flagship Barnes and Noble store in Union Square, New York City.
Wave to the book!
Notice how the book is displayed: in the Paperback Favorites section, also the Staff Recommendations section. See how it rests in the very center spot on the very top row, tilted appealingly toward your wallet. Notice how well-lit it is. It seems almost to smile at you, almost to wink. This book wants you to take it home.
Sure, you say, all the books want me to take them home. I’m sexy that way. But no, this is different. This is for a good cause.
This month only, a very special young lady is trying to win a staff sales award. Her name is Karen, and she works in the fiction department. She’s only six years old, she has cancer and a wooden leg and she’s cute as the dickens. She wants to win this award so badly, you see, because both of her mommies are in jail, and the only way she can visit them is by bribing their jailer with bright, shiny objects such as the coveted B&N Staffie Award — a gold-plated Staffordshire Terrier, depicted in mid-leap, carrying a saliva-drenched first edition of Nicholas Nickleby in its jaws!
Attention New York City: some call you grumpy, callous and cold. But I know you have a heart of gold! Won’t you please tear that golden heart out of your grumpy little chest right now, and send it to Cash4Gold.com, and take the cash they give you in return down to the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Union Square, and help make a little girl’s dream come true?
Did I mention she has cancer? Two kinds! But more than that, she has guts. Karen is one of the few booksellers who’ve taken a chance by stocking HELP! in their stores, and found — to their shock and amazement — that IT SELLS LIKE MAD. People love this book. They love the front cover. They love the back cover. They love the wordy parts in the middle and they are crazy about the spine.
So if you don’t enjoy reifying the dreams of cancer-children, if you’re that callous and cold and un-goldhearted, if you won’t do it for Karen … then please, do it for me. Because I owe this lady big time.
HELPFUL LINKS — WE MAKE IT SO EASY!