February 19, 2009
Look at that face! This is Karen, a spunky six-year-old orphan amputee with cancer, emphysema and bovine spongiform encephalopathy whose future is in your hands.
Karen will be dead soon, of multiple wasting diseases. But before she dies she has a dream: to win the coveted Golden Staffie award, by selling more copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! in February than her co-workers can sell copies of so-called Best Sellers written by hacks like Jonathan “Douche” Franzen and that hussy Zadie Smith.
You see, after Karen’s parents were thrown in prison for stealing cigarettes, her evil guardians from Health & Human Services sold her into bondage — specifically, to the Barnes & Noble Bookstore in Union Square, NYC. Her life in the fourth-floor fiction section is one of unending toil and drudgery: shelving, mopping, ringing-up, explaining magic realism to people from New Jersey. It’s a hard life. But Karen doesn’t complain! This little girl’s got spunk like rats have rabies.
How can you help this poor waif realize her dreams of slumdog millionairess-dom and slip the shackles of her cruel bondage? I’m glad you asked. You can help her to win this month’s staff sales award. It’s easy — all you have to do is purchase a copy of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! from her store — today, now, this minute! Yesterday, even.
“Wait!” I hear you say, “what kind of bullshit book are you trying to peddle me?” Well, good for you. Caveat Emptor, I always say. However, HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME is the greatest gift to English literature since Jonathan Livingston Seagull! But please, don’t take my word for it. Read the reviews: here! There! Everywhere!
“Wait!” I hear you say, “I already bought a copy of that book.” Well, good for you! Seriously, I thank the heck out of you. But please, take another look at that picture. Look at those eyes. And now look at your address book, and ask yourself: isn’t there someone in your life who needs to laugh? Someone who needs the gift of glibly-recounted disembowelment as much as this little girl needs the gift of victory? Probably you know several such people.
“Wait!” I hear you say, “I don’t live anywhere near New York City!” Well, good for you! The odds of your being stabbed just dropped in half. However, surely you have friends in the Big Apple? In fact, didn’t I see you lap-dancing for Donald Trump at that party in L.A.? You remember, the one where all those stars did coke in the bathroom? I’m certain that was you. Sorry, was I not supposed to mention that on the internet? Whoops! Clumsy me! I think I have photos around here somewhere …
“OKAY!” I hear you say, “How do I order that book?” Well, it’s easy. If you don’t live in New York City, you can just call up the B & N store in Union Square and place an order. The number is (212) 253-0810. It’s free if you call from work. Tell them you want to order two copies of HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! and that you can’t believe how horribly they treat their indentured child laborers. Karen thanks you, and so do I.