August 29, 2007

in Help!,podcast @ 11:23 pm

Dear friends: it is with a trembling hand that I type this introduction to CHAPTER FOUR of the ongoing digestive saga, HELP! A BEAR IS EATING ME! Because, whereas the first three chapters have explored such touchy yet timely issues as carnage, bleeding, drug abuse, violence, environmental degredation and human asshole-hood, today’s installment contains a far more onerous ingredient:


Yes, that’s right,


But please, don’t shut down your computer and wash your hands and eyes with bleach. It’s only words, which are themselves only ideas dressed up in ones and zeroes. I promise, listening to this podcast will not rob you of your virginity. Your sexual orientation will rotate by no greater than 1.5 degrees. Indeed, we rush to reassure you that this chaper, while rife with:


… is nevertheless unintended to arouse either yourself or the author. We sincerely hope that this content can work out some kind of deal with the standards of your local community, such that you won’t sue us for providing to you the following


So here it is already. Via iTunes:


… or via just about anything:


… or via ‘old school gangsta’ technology:


As always, please inform us of any technical or sexual mishaps that ensnare you during your chaste perusal of our GUARANTEED OFFENSIVE podcast.


and now it’s time for … QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS!

Q: Your podcast is okay, I guess, but it’s not as good as some other podcasts I listen to. I demand a higher standard of excellence in my free internet downloads that I don’t even pay for!

– Righteous Consumer, Louisville, KY

A: Dear Righteous: While we here at HELP!Corp strive always to provide our listeners with exceptional podcasts, it must be admitted that we sometimes don’t strive as hard as we could. The popular management euphemism “to give one hundred percent” aside, the fact is we’re working a full-time job right now. Therefore, we ask you to leverage your huge social network of consumer friends, by asking them to place several hundred thousand pre-orders of the upcoming HELP! book, so that we here at HELP!Corp can quit our day job, thereby to increase our podcast quality and strive harder on your behalf.

Q: How can I help you to become rich and famous, such that I will be able at some point to say “Hey, I knew mykle hansen before he was rich and famous?”

– Guy Who Claims To Know You, Portland, OR

A: All snarkiness aside, I would settle for just being able to retire someday on dribs and drabs of income from dozens of books like this one. So, let me fill you in on one piece of my Secret Market Strategy: The print version of this book will be released this October, and I’ll be doing a BOOK TOUR along the West Coast and anywhere else I can afford to go. If you know a place where people go out on weekday evenings to see authors dressed in bear suits read from books, we should talk. I will be booking the tour heavily in the coming weeks.

Also: please, forward this mail to all the people in your life who appreciate fine hand-crafted


… it could be your co-workers, your mom, maybe even the pastor at your church. I’m not picky.

Yrs in bears,

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